Constructive Criticism Thread

[GyZ]

Hey, even your pre-coffe suggestions were quite useful and sober. : ) I'm not too fond of the first sentence, either. To tell you the truth, it is a result of indecisive editing, - which is but rarely fruity - but I will cite the original version. Here goes:

"To say that life is among the greatest storytellers, probably would be an understatement, especially when you consider that Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture delivery to date, The Bank Job, is based on true events that took place in London, 1971."

I'm not sure if it's OK to write "To say" here, or, is it better to write "Saying"? These little decisions can give one away, I think. You have a strong point suggesting to layout the sentence in two. Also a nice notion that I never clarified that it is the UK's Intelligence Agency that I was writing about. Probably subconscious stuff, I must have been thinking that they are watching me. You know the classic "mindbender" sentence: "You are on a secret mission!!" (SECRET mission. :))

I never considered that the term "buildup" could be a problem, but I agree. In case it has a minimal chance to confuse the reader, then it should be avoided, no doubt. Thank you for these pointers. Please give your feedback about the original sentence if you have time, especially concerning my dearest mania to date, the "To say" or "Saying" dilemma.

[BarryDavidson]

"To say," sounds much better than just "saying," but you need a (forgive the term in spite of my previous post) more solid buildup.

That original sentence is too long, and would get cut into three or four sentences by an experienced editor. That is, if they didn't completely remove it.

Unless....

To say that life is the greatest of story tellers would be a vast understatement considering director Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture. The Bank Job, based on actual events, takes place in the city of London, England in 1971. (go on for a few sentences about the who, what, when part of any good article)

[Celeste Stewart]

I noticed a few comma errors (the blackmailer, Mr. X, )and the Police should not be capitalized. I need coffee too.

Also, FYI, you may need to go in later and delete the example just to be safe as far as Copyscape goes as it could come up the next time.

[GyZ]

Nice move omitting that "especially" element. Seems to me that it was the weakest link in the sentence, which you wisely pointed/picked out. I'm afraid I would have stuck with it, thinking that it is an essential part of the sentence. Though it is but the essential fault of it. I also noticed that the sentence makes the mistake of giving away all the tiny, intended drama at the very beginning.

"To say that life is the greatest of story tellers would be a vast understatement considering director Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture."

What about:

"Considering director Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture, it seems safe to say that life is among the greatest storytellers."

Now the sentence is turned around, but a little more drama is involved, I think. The edited version you came up with is definitely more pleasant to read than my prolonged original. Thank you for taking the time to express these suggestions.

[GyZ]

to Celeste Stewart:

Thank you for the info about Copyscape, I guess I should delete the portion indeed. This Mr. X character, according to real life recorded events, was an actual person AND a supposed menace to society. Some guy called John Lennon payed his bail in the '60s. : ]

[BarryDavidson]

So, was the guy's name Mr. X, or did they ever release that info?

Again, you'd need more of a lead in for:

"Considering director Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture, it seems safe to say that life is among the greatest storytellers."

Although that would make a good last sentence to a paragraph.

Life just may be stranger than fiction considering director Roger Donaldson's latest achievement, The Bank Job. Based on actual events, this movie just goes to show that life is among the greatest story tellers.

The movie begins with the series of events which led up to...............

[GyZ]

The man indeed was regarded as Mr. X. If you got curious, you can find extensive info on him by following this seemingly trite nickname. Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia has immense data on him. Though the creators have changed some of the actual names involved in the heist in order to protect them, Mr. X. died in 1965. His birth name is Malcolm Little, and he surely caused relentless hangovers to the UK. Giving in "Mr. X." to Wikipedia will take you to the intended dudette, too.

[Celeste Stewart]

How do you refer to the middle years of our current decade?
For example, if writing about 1995-1997, I'd say the mid-1990s. But what if you're talking about the time around 2005-2006? The mid-2000s? That doesn't seem right. The mid-2010s? Here's my sentence:

Southwest Airlines survived the soaring jet fuel prices of the early 2000s while other airlines failed;

I don't want to give a specific range of years as fuel prices are still so volatile and I don't want to date the piece too much. Early 2000s sounds too early to me, like 2001/2002.

ideas?

[HayleyWriter]

How about saying a few years ago, or within the last few years, or something along those lines? I think mid-2000s would be correct, but it sounds funny because we are not used to it.
What about: In the middle of this decade?

[Celeste Stewart]

It's for a training course on creativity and innovation, so I expect the course will be around for a long time. In 2016, "a few years ago" will refer to the wrong time period, but I think people will remember the soaring gas prices of the mid-Whatever-You-Call-Its. And now that prices are going back down but may soar once again, I don't want to be too specific of the years - but also not too vague as to imply that they survived beyond this period because who knows, they may not...

[BarryDavidson]

Prices really first shot up when Desert Shield started, so you could say early 90's and it wouldn't be incorrect.

[BarryDavidson]

But... If you have to refer to the early 2000's, call it "the first part of the 21st century" or "not long after the millennium started".

[Celeste Stewart]

Yeah, but I'm going to be talking about their fuel hedging strategies that got them through current crises such as Katrina, the Iraq War, etc -- where others were devastated by these prices, SW survived by paying prices they negotiated years in advance at dramatically lower prices. So I need to refer to the general time period of the mid-____s. It's such an odd number, this decade.

[BarryDavidson]

During the mid-2000's, the only thing which saved Southwest Airlines from utter dissolution were the fuel contracts it had negotiated with major oil companies.

[Celeste Stewart]

Thanks but is Mid-2000s the right term? Or does it imply the time period between say 2040 and 2060?

Science fiction saw its heyday in the mid-1900s.