Constructive Criticism Thread

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Celeste Stewart
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Celeste Stewart »

...that dies back the ground...
that dies back INTO?? the ground
Evelyn
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Evelyn »

Could be because you missed a [to], as in dies back [to] the ground.

Because we get paid handsomely at C-C and NOT by the word, it pays us as authors to be concise. Perennials die back to the ground in fall reads somewhat better, without knowing the whole sentence. Celeste's rule of eliminating 30 percent of words in a first draft is a good one--tightens the piece and says exactly what you want to say. And reads better to the trained ear.

I also don't want to be nitpicky, but not all perennials die back to the ground and some should be sheared off by the gardener after first frost. I haven't had the opportunity to write about gardening in a while... love that subject. :)

Keep writing and submitting! You already know how valuable a C-C payment can be!
Lor
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Lor »

Celeste Stewart wrote:...that dies back the ground...
that dies back INTO?? the ground



Celeste, you win. It was a missing word. How on earth did I miss that? Probably because it's a term I've used numerous times writing gardening articles and teaching it probably just seemed like it was there.

It should actually have read "dies back "to" the ground," however. It doesn't die into the ground. It's a gardening term.
But still, it's a typo, not a grammar faux pas. And I'm actually relieved by that.

So glad I brought it here, because I thought I was losing my mind.


Evelyn,
Yes to the sheering, but there's more to it than that. I only gave you the problem phrase. Also, yes I know CC pays well. I've done well here over the past few years, but I don't put all my eggs in one basket.
Last edited by Lor on Tue Jul 19, 2011 2:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Celeste Stewart
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Celeste Stewart »

It happens all the time! Our eyes see what we meant to say. Welcome back :)
Lor
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Lor »

Thanks Celeste,
I think it must be my reading glasses. You know, glasses lose power as they age.
StephanieLemieux
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by StephanieLemieux »

Is this thread still active? I need some help with a sentence. I'm not sure how to properly use commas in this one. Any help?

In the meantime, knowing that you’re there, that you empathize and that you love her, may help her feel less alone.
Judith
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Judith »

Hi Stephanie,

Personally, I would be concerned there are too many references to "that." I would reword it to read simply. Perhaps something like - "Meanwhile, feeling your presence, your empathy, and your love, may ease her lonliness."
StephanieLemieux
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by StephanieLemieux »

Thanks for your help Judith!
Lisa-Anne Sanderson
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Lisa-Anne Sanderson »

Hello everyone,

I've been asked to make a few revisions before re-submitting my article on ways to be thrifty. I wrote this sentence: "Clothes-swaps
and clothes-swapping parties are very popular now." It was described as "awkward" so I'd like some help, please.

I probably should have noticed that I mentioned clothes swapping twice. Perhaps I should change it to: "Exchanging clothes at clothes-swaps is
very popular."

Regards,
Lisa
Celeste Stewart
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Celeste Stewart »

The term itself is awkward, but if it is what it is, then I'm not sure about a workaround. I like your idea of eliminating the double mention. I'm not sure there's a need for a hyphen in the first "clothes-swap" though the second mention (clothes-swapping parties) seems to need it.
Maybe:
Trading clothes at clothes-swapping parties has become popular.
Clothes-swapping parties are the latest rage.
Clothes-swapping parties have become a popular alternative to _____.
Lisa-Anne Sanderson
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Lisa-Anne Sanderson »

Thank you very much, Celeste. You've been very helpful.

I hope to resubmit the article when I've revised it.

Best Regards,
Lisa
JessicaB
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by JessicaB »

"children were given money during Hanukkah to play the dreidel game with."

Leaving out 'with' feels incomplete, but it sounds wrong to end the sentence with a preposition. Help?
Lor
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by Lor »

I don't see the need for "with." I do think the phrasing might be a little awkward, and that's what's catching you up.
How 'bout ......
"During Hanukkah, children were given money to play the dreidel game."
JessicaB
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by JessicaB »

Thank you ! That helped a lot.
SLPerini
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Re: Constructive Criticism Thread

Post by SLPerini »

Is it okay to keep using this thread? Asking because most of the other forums I've been around frown upon bumping. I presume this would be an exception to that common rule since it's a stuck as important?

Thanks
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