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Napoleon Dynamite refers to the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie, as our underwater ally. She or he or it is probably the only creature in existence called a monster that nobody but very young children are afraid of. Nessie has swum in the consciousness of the world and despite the lack of any real evidence that conclusively proves the monster’s existence, in many Nessie seems more real than things that many people steadfastly believe in. Things like fiscal conservatism, important football games, and affordable gasoline.

Incident at Loch Ness.
Consider this the SpinalTap of Loch Ness movies. Legendary German film director Werner Herzog—if you haven´t seen Aguirre: The Wrath of God, then you aren´t really a film nut—sets forth to the Highlands of Scotland to film a documentary titled "Enigma of Loch Ness." (No, Klaus Kinski does not play the title role.) Herzog is intent on proving that Nessie is the myth many claim she is. At the same time, however, there is another documentary crew in town and their subject is the myth of Werner Herzog. Get it?

Loch Ness.
Ted Danson plays a scientist who molests Nessie. Yes, the original title was Something About Nessie. Okay, not really. This is a warm and fuzzy Loch Ness movie for the whole family. Occasionally show on the Sci-Fi Network back when they showed sci-fi movies, it would also be pretty much at home on the Disney Channel or the Family Channel. Well, actually, it´s a family movie without enough bleeped out words for the Family Channel. Ted Danson portrays an American scientist—as if a scientist from any other country could possibly do anything (we´re number one, we´re number one)—who made a fool of himself and is now impossibly skeptical about anything that can´t be proven. Obviously, he has no place in the Bush White House. He´s not exactly gosh darn happy to be sent to the Loch Ness to either prove or disprove the existence of Nessie once and for all, but once he gets there it turns in Local Hero-lite and comes to not exactly a shocking end.

Beneath Loch Ness.
Mixing elements of thriller and an educational film about Celtic mythology, this Nessie flick follows a team of scientists to Loch Ness to find out what lies beneath. Things turn bad after a mysterious diving accident. Beneath Loch Ness is kind of the flipside of Danson´s Loch Ness; the syrup of that movie turns as cold as the water of the Loch and as sour as...ah, the heck with it. The Danson movie is for the family, but this one belongs on the second half of the double feature after the pre-teens have been put shivering from fright into their beds.

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Written by: TIMsexton
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